Can you see me seeing you? I hope not.

Judging through your peripherals

It's high time I divulged some of the tricks of the trade to those who read my blog. The most important part about being an effective judger is being fully aware of your surroundings, and the best way to do that is knowing how to use your peripherals. This is much like Steve Carrell's character is instructed to do in 40 Year Old Virgin when trying to scope out women, but way more entertaining.

This past weekend, I was at a Barnes and Noble because I really had to use the restroom and had been driving around for a good hour and twenty minutes while 1) trying to fight off being exhausted, and 2) drinking a large Bojangle's sweet tea. Anyway, I'm in the bathroom washing my hands, and out of the corner of my eye I see another guy come over and stand in front of the mirror. He isn't close enough to the sink to be washing his hands, so I use my peripherals and notice that he's posing in front of the mirror. And this isn't just any pose. He's checking out his biceps. Then he pulls a comb out of his pocket and proceeds to brush his hair. I timed the drying of my hands so that I could get a legitimate look at this fellow, and lo and behold, the dude is probably mid to late forties, wearing a skin-tight Underarmour shirt (which showcases his upside-down triangle-shaped torso) tucked into black jeans. The hair he's combing? Greasy and black, pulled back into a ponytail. Now, we all know my feelings on long hair on guys, so I don't need to explain how that made me feel. His hairdo was especially amusing, though, because his amateur ponytail job left two ringlets where his hair stopped and his neck began. I had to stop and take a second to process, and also to figure out at what point I had left Barnes and Noble and entered a Wal-Mart.

In conclusion, old meatheads with greasy hair are all-around gross. And using your peripherals to do pre-judging means you can avoid the awkward "Oh shit, he saw me looking... Now I have to give him the half smile and nod and hope he didn't see my look of distaste" thought process.