Yes, We Get It, You Have Legs

Ladies, we need to have a little chat. Come on in, take a seat, and we'll get right into it.

Leggings are NOT pants.

I know many of you enjoy how "in shape" you are from the waist down, and that's fine. That's what skinny jeans are for! To me, women wearing leggings in public is equivalent to men wearing gym shorts in public. Sure, it happens, but the second I see gym shorts, that individual loses any and all credibility when it comes to anything.

 

If you're on your way to or from the gym, I might be able to cut you some slack. Maybe. You'll probably have to be wearing flashy leg-warmers, an over-sized t-shirt, and a neon-colored sports bra and perform something from Flash Dance for me, though.

What has me hating leggings so much, you ask? A couple months ago, I was wandering the mall and getting some mild exercise, both in the cardio sense and the judging sense. I passed by some random clothing store, and out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw someone chilling at the entrance of the store, naked from the waist down. I gave the prospective scandal my full attention, and what did I see? Oh, not much, just a girl in leggings.

Skin colored leggings.

That's just wrong on so many levels. So. Many. Levels. I can think of exactly zero instances when it is acceptable to wear skin colored (non-stocking) garments in public. Next time that happens, I might be obliged to have the following interaction:

Walking through the mall, spot individual in skin colored leggings. Walk two steps past said individual, stop, turn and yell:

Me: OH MY GOD, SHE'S N--

Turn to face the individual, who's probably turning bright red, or is as confused as ever.

Me: Oh, sorry dear, I thought you were naked from the waist down. Turns out your... pants... blend right on in with your skin. How silly of me! Have a nice day!

Walk away.

Translation? Sorry I'm not sorry.

This Post Really Socks

Oh, hello there!

It's been a long time. Shouldn't have left you (left you... Without a dope beat to step to).

You'd think that in my hiatus from writing, I'd have so much to tell you! Unfortunately, aside from a rant about incompetent Wal-Mart employees (blog post coming soon), I don't have many situational posts forthcoming. I guess I need to get out more!

For today, though, here's the first installment of TJL's Clothing Etiquette. This one is all about socks, more specifically how annoying white socks are.

I'll start off by saying that, contrary to what you might believe, you are not Michael Jackson, so any argument you have for wearing white socks with dress shoes (or any shoes that aren't athletic sneakers) is invalid. Here's a re-iteration of that point, in Venn diagram form!



The glimmer of a white sock is as bad for my vision as the blinding effects of the high beams that the idiots who always seem to drive behind me leave on at all times. It's just unnecessary. I appreciate the perceived versatility of white socks, but to me that's like saying salt is an acceptable flavoring agent for any and all food. Sure, it works, but there are so many other spices that you can use in certain dishes that will make them much better. You're also less likely to get weird looks.

Here's what you do:
1. Go to ANY store that sells socks.
2. Buy a few pairs each of socks that either match your shoes, or at least have similar colors in them.
3. Wear said socks when the time is appropriate.

If you're feeling REALLY creative, you can always purchase multicolored socks, or sock with patterns. Socks can be as much of a statement as a new button down shirt!*

... Well, unless your socks are just white socks. Then your statement is "I'm lazy."

And please, PLEASE, do not try and make a case for white socks with white shoes just to spite me. Yes, you're following the "socks should match the shoes" rule, but you're also wearing white shoes, so I can only assume that you're a nurse or a senior citizen.

That's it for now! Don't say I didn't warn you about wearing those white socks out in public!

*- The "socks can make a statement" line was pretty much for girls only. Fellas, no one wants to see your socks unless you have to pull up your pant leg to show them, or unless you're playing a sport where soccer socks are appropriate. The "shorts with tube socks" look for guys fell out of style ten minutes before the first guy decided he'd go around sporting it.

Super Bowl 45- The Day Live Music Died?

If you follow me on Twitter and/or haven't hidden my status updates on Facebook (yet), you probably already know what I'm gonna say in this post. Last night was the Super Bowl, and when the football game wasn't interrupting, we all were hoping to be entertained by commercials and music. In preparation for live-blogging the Academy Awards at the end of the month, I thought I'd provide some commentary about last night. Step two for preparing will be figuring out to actually update a live blog entry. Without further ado:

The Judging Life's Superbowl Commentary

• Lea Michele sings "America The Beautiful." This is probably one of the most boring patriotic songs we have. Everyone knows the girl can sing, so therefore any aspect of the performance that was lackluster can be blamed on the song, right?
• Christina Aguilera sings the National Anthem. People, she messed up like three words. Hate on her if you want, at least she sounded decent while doing it! If you would like examples of how the National Anthem SHOULD sound, though, I'd invite you to listen to Jennifer Hudson, or the gold standard version by Whitney Houston. If those don't get your diva hand going, I don't know what will.
• The Commercials. I was incredibly underwhelmed by the commercials this year. The only ones that I remember enough to say I enjoyed are the Doritos commercial where he brings the grandfather back to life, the Pepsi Max commercial where the dude's wife knocks the female runner out with a full can of soda, and the VW/Darth Vader commercial (this link is for the minute-long commercial... a lot better than the 30 second version). The rest were either really bad, or only minimally funny.
• Snickers was on point last year with its Betty White and Aretha Franklin commercials, but they missed the mark this year by trying to do the same thing in a less funny way. Proof positive that you can't just stick with something because it worked once (or twice).
• Go Daddy also sucks.
• Halftime Show. I'm a fan of the Black Eyed Peas. Their music is incredibly catchy, and tops my list of fun songs that are great to sing along with/dance to at clubs. Plus, my apartment number last year was 3008, so "Boom Boom Pow" was my anthem. Having said that...
• The BEP are not good live. Feel free to blame it on microphone problems, but I don't think a correctly-functioning microphone could have saved us from Fergie's... "singing."
• I want Taboo's light-up suit. I have no idea when I'd wear it, though.
• Oh, who am I kidding? I'd rock that ish at all times.
• I was really confused when "Sweet Child of Mine" started playing.
• Then I was happy when Slash appeared.
• Then I was sad when Fergie started singing.
• When "O.M.G" started, my first thought was "did they seriously hide the fact that Usher was going to be performing with them?" Then he appeared, and I was impressed with the secrecy
• Then Usher DIDN'T SING. They brought in Usher to be a background dancer for a minute and a half!
• The commercial for the movie Rio makes it look an awful lot like "Happy Feet 2: Fiesta en México."
• I missed Cameron Diaz feeding A-Rod. Luckily, the internets know entertainment, and it's already on YouTube! Hopefully this link doesn't get taken down too soon.

That's all I have! Did I miss any good commercials, or other excellent moments in judgement? Feel free to provide your own commentary in the comments section below.

Jingle Jingle!

I don't think any working experience is truly complete without stories of a coworker that just doesn't seem to be "all there." I'm lucky with my current job... My desk is situated next to one of the most absent-minded people I've ever met.

My coworker doesn't make it into the office until 10. At the earliest. His presence is always announced by the jingling of keys when he's about 20 feet away from his office door. That's about how long it takes him to fish out the right key. I'm thinking he played the part of Filch in a previous job.

He seems to be paranoid, too... it's rare for him to keep his door unlocked. Or open. Even when he's in his office. I'm not quite sure what he thinks he has to hide from the rest of our division, but it must be something pretty good.

He is rarely in his office for more than an hour. I have no idea what sends him on his merry way so often... it's probably a mixture of meetings, catching up with scientists in other areas, or looking for more keys to add to his key ring. Oh, and going to the cafeteria to get food. This is one of his favorite daily activties. Both breakfast and lunch come from the cafeteria. Getting the food into his office, though, is still a very challenging task.

Then, there's the printing. The printer in my area is shared by 13 people. 99.99999% of all printing jobs are from this one coworker. And it isn't that everyone else rarely prints... it's mostly that he is printing documents at all times. Our printer runs out of paper daily, and ink weekly. He also has a tendency to print stuff and leave it on the printer for hours before going to pick it up. The skill I'm most impressed with is his ability to print when he's not in the office. I've heard the printer going at 9:30, and then half an hour later, he rolls into the office, grabs the stuff off the printer, and jingle-jingles into his office.



An accurate interpretation of his office thanks to all of his printing.

My favorite part comes at the ends of some work days. The door opens, he saunters out and closes the door behind him, making sure it's locked. After taking five steps away from his door, he remembers that he forgot something in his office. He returns to his office, checks the door again only to find that (surprise!) it's locked. He sighs (something that he does more often than regular breathing), reaches into his pocket, jingle-jingles his keys to find the right one, and re-enters his office to grab whatever is is that he forgot.

The moral of the story? Locking your office door during the day does nothing but cause problems.

Second Grader See, Second Grader Do

Cartoons were a big part of my childhood, just like they probably were for most of you who read my blog. Saturday mornings weren't for sleeping in... they were for sneaking out into the living room, turning on the TV at a low volume, and staring at Looney Toons, or Power Rangers, or the myriad other shows that had weekend morning airtime.

Yes, my attempt at drawing Bugs Bunny looks like a grey Teletubby. Moving on.

I moved to Vermont the summer before second grade, and for second grade I was put in the local public school. The private school I had attended in New York had a dress code, so I enjoyed the new-found freedom to wear what I wanted, and to not have to wear a tie. At one point, I even bought a pair of red Converse All-Star high-top sneakers.

The issue with this, of course, was that I was in second grade, and kids are mean. I had this one bully who insisted on calling me Clown Feet at recess every day. It never seriously phased me, considering he was the only one who called me that... I just found it annoying. I mean, red shoes are awesome, and my feet weren't that big, so what's the point of worrying about it?

Finally, one day at recess, this kid was incredibly persistent in trying to get me to chase after him or something. He wouldn't leave me alone and he kept yelling at me.

So, I took inspiration in the cartoons I so religiously watched. What was it that Bugs Bunny always did to Elmer Fudd to get him to leave him alone? Oh, right...

I waited until my bully got close.

... Then...

Now, I was somewhat sheltered as a child. Not "is he brainwashed?" sheltered, but sheltered enough to not understand how my plan of action was wrong or would be misconstrued as anything other than me trying to rid myself of another kid's ridicule. My bully, confused, went and told the teacher on recess duty, who asked me if I had kissed the other boy. I shrugged. She asked why I did it. I shrugged. And that was it.



Most importantly, that kid never teased me again.

When Facebook Friends Attack

I'll be the first to admit that I have too many Facebook friends. In my defense, I have met 99.9% of them in person at least once. That isn't the issue of this post, though. The issue is that I can't get myself to unfriend people.

I graduated from college almost two years ago (dammit, I'm getting old!), and I'm still friends with people from my freshman dorm, some of whom I haven't talked to since we lived near each other five years ago. I'm also friends with the friends of my siblings, a couple kids I used to babysit, and friends of friends. My standard policy is that if I've met you, I'll accept your friend request. And, like the glitter around Ke$ha's eyes, once you're there (in my list of facebook friends), it's difficult for me to take you off (... of my list of facebook friends). Here is a visual description:

Well... it's difficult, with the exception of the following list!

TJL's List of

No-Brainer Unfriending Situations

1. Ignorance.

I once had a friend who posted a status about a segment Oprah did on "Brothers on the down-low", basically accusing any and every man in the closet of getting infected with every STI imaginable and then "infecting his women."

I considered trying to correct him, but he's sort of cray cray on a Kanye level, so I decided the "unfriend" option was better.

2. Incessant Pessimism

I get it... we all have bad days. For whatever reason, some people like to harp on this more than others... to the point where every status is about how terrible the world is to them. If you look at your own profile page and it starts reading off like the lyrics to a really bad emo song, you're doing something wrong. You might also be that blob from the Zoloft commercials.

3. Facebook =/= Twitter

As soon as I got a Twitter account, I found that my status updates on Facebook dwindled. If I have something clever to say or announce that people might want to comment on, I'll post it to facebook. If I'm just being witty in general (read: always), or watching a sporting event and commenting in real time, then Twitter's the way to go. Still, there are way too many people who insist (insist!) on providing blow-by-blows of their days, or announcing that it's time for them to go to bed. These are usually the same people who think Twitter is stupid. I give them the side eye:

4. Bad Taste

I once had a friend who posted links to at least three songs each day, depending on his mood. I was fine with this at first, but after the third Miley Cyrus video was posted to express his inner angst at finding love, I made like Bon Qui Qui and decided "this dude needs ta go. Needs ta go."

As with any other list I make, there are always exceptions. For example, I could never find it in my heart to unfriend a family member, no matter how far removed from them I am.

... And that, my friends, is what the "Hide" button is for.

Why So Serious?

Today is sort of a difficult day for me. It’s the birthday of a fraternity brother of mine who passed away last October. Drew left a lasting impression on far too many people for me to even attempt to list. In his memory, I would like to write an entry using the same title he used for his editorial column in our college newspaper.

Alright, enough of the sappy… on to the funny!

Why so serious?

I’ve always maintained that the ability to laugh at yourself is one of the most important parts of enjoying life. How many of us wish we could go back to being kids, selling lemonade or bracelets we made with colored thread by day, playing hide and seek (or, kick the can! Anyone else? Anyone?) by night, and pretty much enjoying life to the fullest? What’s the difference between then and now?

Stop.

First off, all complaining by itself annoys me. Even when warranted, all that complaining does is display that you're not happy with your current situation. I can get bored real fast if all I'm hearing is "my life sucks" and "why am I always the one who has to go through stuff like this?" In the immortal words of Elvis, a little less conversation, a little more action.

Extreme? Yes. Effective? You betcha.

The main point here is that you're only as boring as you let yourself get. Unfortunately, most of us don't live in those nice little neighborhoods anymore, where Sally would go door-to-door every Saturday morning to recruit kids for a game of street kickball. We're adults now... we have to do shit for ourselves! Here's an example in musical form! (Thank you Broadway for musicals like Avenue Q!) Go make friends with your coworkers/neighbors! Sign up for an adult sports league! Post up at a bar and stare at every attractive individual that walks in!

... hmm, on second thought, don't do that last one, unless you're over 50 and single and out by yourself. People will probably think you're creepy anyway.

Do you know what the sign of a good day is? Being able to think back at the end of the day and listing off at least one thing that made you smile. So, get off the internets, call up a friend, and make your smile-worthy memory for the day! TJL will judge you if you don't.*

*- TJL will probably be judging you anyway, but you can reduce the number of "bad judging" moments by following my advice.