5 Reasons Why Bert and Ernie Shouldn't Get Married

Disclaimer: This post assumes basic knowledge of Sesame Street. If you are not aware of what Sesame Street is, you did your childhood wrong, and I implore you to have kids right away and force them to watch Sesame Street with you fill yourself in on it right here.

Since New York legalized same-sex marriage, someone started a petition to have Bert and Ernie get married. While I understand the sentiment, I must intervene here and explain why this is a stupid idea. Without further adieu:

TJL's Five Reasons Why Bert and Ernie Shouldn't Get Married

1. Bert has a unibrow. I mean, really, the only people who think unibrows are sexy are people who have them. And Diego Rivera. Props to you if you understood that last joke.

2. There is plenty of documentation of Ernie's love of his rubber ducky. There is also documentation of Bert doing a pigeon dance. This difference in aviary preferences are enough to turn any marriage, same sex or not, completely fowl. Also, anyone who has ever been in the vicinity of a pigeon knows not to trust anyone who actually likes them.

3. Have you seen the sweaters these two guys wear? Would you REALLY want to bear witness to a wedding where they're the ones choosing the clothes?

4. Neither one of them has a job. Last time I checked, the sole purpose of getting married was to combine assets so that the poorer individual has access to the richer individual's income. Also last time I checked, 0+0=0.

5. Ernie is actually in love with Oscar. How often is it that you meet a guy whose "eau du toilette" actually smells like the literal translation of that term? Plus, I heard a rumor that Oscar's garbage can is lined with gold. I don't want to reveal my source, but it only took me two chocolate chip cookies to coerce the information from him.

Kidding aside, I would like to remind everyone that Sesame Street is a CHILDREN'S SHOW. The little ones need to learn about numbers, colors, letters, how to share, and how to create imaginary wooly mammoth friends. I'm 95% sure no one on Sesame Street is married, anyway. Doing a Sesame Street episode where Bert and Ernie get married would be akin to inviting Michael Vick to appear on Blues Clues to tell kids about the perils of dogfighting. Sure, it could happen, but there's no need.

If Bert and Ernie get a spinoff on ABC Family, feel free to start a petition. That channel seems to love anything and everything that has to do with pushing boundaries. Until then, I'm gonna pull a Chris Crocker and tell you to LEAVE SESAME STREET ALONE!