5 Reasons Why Bert and Ernie Shouldn't Get Married

Disclaimer: This post assumes basic knowledge of Sesame Street. If you are not aware of what Sesame Street is, you did your childhood wrong, and I implore you to have kids right away and force them to watch Sesame Street with you fill yourself in on it right here.

Since New York legalized same-sex marriage, someone started a petition to have Bert and Ernie get married. While I understand the sentiment, I must intervene here and explain why this is a stupid idea. Without further adieu:

TJL's Five Reasons Why Bert and Ernie Shouldn't Get Married

1. Bert has a unibrow. I mean, really, the only people who think unibrows are sexy are people who have them. And Diego Rivera. Props to you if you understood that last joke.

2. There is plenty of documentation of Ernie's love of his rubber ducky. There is also documentation of Bert doing a pigeon dance. This difference in aviary preferences are enough to turn any marriage, same sex or not, completely fowl. Also, anyone who has ever been in the vicinity of a pigeon knows not to trust anyone who actually likes them.

3. Have you seen the sweaters these two guys wear? Would you REALLY want to bear witness to a wedding where they're the ones choosing the clothes?

4. Neither one of them has a job. Last time I checked, the sole purpose of getting married was to combine assets so that the poorer individual has access to the richer individual's income. Also last time I checked, 0+0=0.

5. Ernie is actually in love with Oscar. How often is it that you meet a guy whose "eau du toilette" actually smells like the literal translation of that term? Plus, I heard a rumor that Oscar's garbage can is lined with gold. I don't want to reveal my source, but it only took me two chocolate chip cookies to coerce the information from him.

Kidding aside, I would like to remind everyone that Sesame Street is a CHILDREN'S SHOW. The little ones need to learn about numbers, colors, letters, how to share, and how to create imaginary wooly mammoth friends. I'm 95% sure no one on Sesame Street is married, anyway. Doing a Sesame Street episode where Bert and Ernie get married would be akin to inviting Michael Vick to appear on Blues Clues to tell kids about the perils of dogfighting. Sure, it could happen, but there's no need.

If Bert and Ernie get a spinoff on ABC Family, feel free to start a petition. That channel seems to love anything and everything that has to do with pushing boundaries. Until then, I'm gonna pull a Chris Crocker and tell you to LEAVE SESAME STREET ALONE!

The Unofficial (But Mandatory) Rules of Karaoke

Karaoke. 

Half of you just squirmed in your seat, and the other half jumped up in excitement. (And probably a portion of both groups squirmed when they read the word "squirmed," but I digress.)

Karaoke is a fun bar activity. Among other things, it's a chance for people to bring songs back from the dead. And who doesn't like dead songs! Usually, after a few drinks, people's inhibitions have lowered enough to where they don't mind getting up in front of a crowd of strangers to belt out/mumble "Build Me Up, Buttercup." After my past few karaoke encounters, however, I realized that not many people know about the unofficial rules of karaoke. These rules are unofficial in the same way rules about wearing jorts (Jorts Rule 1: don't wear them. Jorts Rule 2: See 1) are unofficial; most people intuitively understand, so the rules don't get explained very often. For the few who were unaware of Karaoke Rules, this post is for you!

I had to bring back this picture. Had to.

Rules for Individuals Doing Bar Karaoke

Rule 1: Thou shalt not sing more than two songs.
In most situations, not everyone at the bar is there for karaoke. To them, you are background noise. They aren't critiquing your riffs (though they will notice if you're tone deaf. So will all of the dogs within a one-mile radius of the bar). I've created a graph to help illustrate the thoughts of those around you as you get up to sing more and more songs.

There aren't talent scouts at your local bar listening to people singing karaoke, and it isn't amateur hour or open mic night. You have no reason to sing more than two songs.

Rule 2: Song Choices Must Be Fun
Do you enjoy singing old school Mariah Carey ballads? That's great! Leave them in the shower. You're at a bar, people are drinking and having a good time, and no one wants to watch you belt out "that song that they sang on Glee a few weeks ago."

This is (definitely probably) not you. If it is you, feel free to come and sing for me any time!

Rule 3: YOU Must Have Fun
Ultimately, if you look like you're having fun while singing, it's going to be enjoyable for everyone. If you grab the microphone as if you're performing at The Grammy's and spend the entire song staring intently at the screen to make sure you get every word, you might as well go and sing to yourself in the mirror. True story.... I once watched a girl sing Bad Romance like this. Her friends, who were clearly more in tune with the unofficial karaoke rules, attempted to jump up with her, dance around her, and help her loosen up while singing. She continued to stare at the screen and choke the microphone. It reminded me of when Kevin sang "You Oughta Know" on The Office.

Rules for Groups Doing Bar Karaoke

Group karaoke is an automatic win. No rules are necessary (other than the "don't sing every song in the DJ's library" one). Some pointers for a successful group performance are:
1. Have at least one person who has had plenty to drink and who believes it's necessary to provide a dance interlude.
2. Shoving the microphone into random people's faces is highly encouraged.

None of the aforementioned rules apply when doing private karaoke. If it's just you and your friends in a small room with a karaoke machine, go to town!

Like Mary J Says, No More Drama

How many times have you seen messages like this (more than likely with multiple misspellings)? They're particularly prominent on dating websites and social media sites. They always give me a hearty chuckle, because these decrees last for an hour, maybe two. I'm pretty sure in the interim, this happens:

The moral of the story is that publicly declaring your intent to not pay attention to/partake in drama (or anything else for that matter) makes you more sensitive to it. A good parallel would be vegetarianism. People who follow strict vegetarian diets become more sensitive to meat and meat products when scoping out which foods they can eat, and friends might forget about the restrictions when offering food to their vegetarian friends. For example, some corn chowder has bacon in it! This is a nice surprise for us omnivores, but herbivores would not take too kindly to said surprise. (As an aside, this would be the moment when I would offer to eat my herbivore friend's portion of corn chowder, thus doubling the amount of win I get! Brian: 2, Herbivore Friend: 0)

... I was making a point, but I got distracted by bacon.

Oh right... Drama. Drama is only a big deal if you make it one. If you devote your time to updating "the world" (read: the 2% of your Facebook friends who haven't hidden your status updates yet) about being "over drama" and calling out (passive aggressively, of course!) those who you perceive to be causing drama, you're in for a rough time. Just follow Jill Scott's lead and let the haters keep hatin'. While it won't be as fun for people like me when trying to judge you*, at least we can both take solace in the fact that you're happier!

Being awesome isn't a choice. It's a lifestyle.

*-Let's be honest, you'll probably still be rocking cargo shorts, or attempting to wear leggings as pants, or trying to convince me that the Glee cover of "Friday" was better than the original. (News flash: dolphins were killed when both versions were produced. Also, I'd rather you kept the drama in your life than try to have this conversation with me, but thanks for playing!)

Yes, We Get It, You Have Legs

Ladies, we need to have a little chat. Come on in, take a seat, and we'll get right into it.

Leggings are NOT pants.

I know many of you enjoy how "in shape" you are from the waist down, and that's fine. That's what skinny jeans are for! To me, women wearing leggings in public is equivalent to men wearing gym shorts in public. Sure, it happens, but the second I see gym shorts, that individual loses any and all credibility when it comes to anything.

 

If you're on your way to or from the gym, I might be able to cut you some slack. Maybe. You'll probably have to be wearing flashy leg-warmers, an over-sized t-shirt, and a neon-colored sports bra and perform something from Flash Dance for me, though.

What has me hating leggings so much, you ask? A couple months ago, I was wandering the mall and getting some mild exercise, both in the cardio sense and the judging sense. I passed by some random clothing store, and out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw someone chilling at the entrance of the store, naked from the waist down. I gave the prospective scandal my full attention, and what did I see? Oh, not much, just a girl in leggings.

Skin colored leggings.

That's just wrong on so many levels. So. Many. Levels. I can think of exactly zero instances when it is acceptable to wear skin colored (non-stocking) garments in public. Next time that happens, I might be obliged to have the following interaction:

Walking through the mall, spot individual in skin colored leggings. Walk two steps past said individual, stop, turn and yell:

Me: OH MY GOD, SHE'S N--

Turn to face the individual, who's probably turning bright red, or is as confused as ever.

Me: Oh, sorry dear, I thought you were naked from the waist down. Turns out your... pants... blend right on in with your skin. How silly of me! Have a nice day!

Walk away.

Translation? Sorry I'm not sorry.

This Post Really Socks

Oh, hello there!

It's been a long time. Shouldn't have left you (left you... Without a dope beat to step to).

You'd think that in my hiatus from writing, I'd have so much to tell you! Unfortunately, aside from a rant about incompetent Wal-Mart employees (blog post coming soon), I don't have many situational posts forthcoming. I guess I need to get out more!

For today, though, here's the first installment of TJL's Clothing Etiquette. This one is all about socks, more specifically how annoying white socks are.

I'll start off by saying that, contrary to what you might believe, you are not Michael Jackson, so any argument you have for wearing white socks with dress shoes (or any shoes that aren't athletic sneakers) is invalid. Here's a re-iteration of that point, in Venn diagram form!



The glimmer of a white sock is as bad for my vision as the blinding effects of the high beams that the idiots who always seem to drive behind me leave on at all times. It's just unnecessary. I appreciate the perceived versatility of white socks, but to me that's like saying salt is an acceptable flavoring agent for any and all food. Sure, it works, but there are so many other spices that you can use in certain dishes that will make them much better. You're also less likely to get weird looks.

Here's what you do:
1. Go to ANY store that sells socks.
2. Buy a few pairs each of socks that either match your shoes, or at least have similar colors in them.
3. Wear said socks when the time is appropriate.

If you're feeling REALLY creative, you can always purchase multicolored socks, or sock with patterns. Socks can be as much of a statement as a new button down shirt!*

... Well, unless your socks are just white socks. Then your statement is "I'm lazy."

And please, PLEASE, do not try and make a case for white socks with white shoes just to spite me. Yes, you're following the "socks should match the shoes" rule, but you're also wearing white shoes, so I can only assume that you're a nurse or a senior citizen.

That's it for now! Don't say I didn't warn you about wearing those white socks out in public!

*- The "socks can make a statement" line was pretty much for girls only. Fellas, no one wants to see your socks unless you have to pull up your pant leg to show them, or unless you're playing a sport where soccer socks are appropriate. The "shorts with tube socks" look for guys fell out of style ten minutes before the first guy decided he'd go around sporting it.

Super Bowl 45- The Day Live Music Died?

If you follow me on Twitter and/or haven't hidden my status updates on Facebook (yet), you probably already know what I'm gonna say in this post. Last night was the Super Bowl, and when the football game wasn't interrupting, we all were hoping to be entertained by commercials and music. In preparation for live-blogging the Academy Awards at the end of the month, I thought I'd provide some commentary about last night. Step two for preparing will be figuring out to actually update a live blog entry. Without further ado:

The Judging Life's Superbowl Commentary

• Lea Michele sings "America The Beautiful." This is probably one of the most boring patriotic songs we have. Everyone knows the girl can sing, so therefore any aspect of the performance that was lackluster can be blamed on the song, right?
• Christina Aguilera sings the National Anthem. People, she messed up like three words. Hate on her if you want, at least she sounded decent while doing it! If you would like examples of how the National Anthem SHOULD sound, though, I'd invite you to listen to Jennifer Hudson, or the gold standard version by Whitney Houston. If those don't get your diva hand going, I don't know what will.
• The Commercials. I was incredibly underwhelmed by the commercials this year. The only ones that I remember enough to say I enjoyed are the Doritos commercial where he brings the grandfather back to life, the Pepsi Max commercial where the dude's wife knocks the female runner out with a full can of soda, and the VW/Darth Vader commercial (this link is for the minute-long commercial... a lot better than the 30 second version). The rest were either really bad, or only minimally funny.
• Snickers was on point last year with its Betty White and Aretha Franklin commercials, but they missed the mark this year by trying to do the same thing in a less funny way. Proof positive that you can't just stick with something because it worked once (or twice).
• Go Daddy also sucks.
• Halftime Show. I'm a fan of the Black Eyed Peas. Their music is incredibly catchy, and tops my list of fun songs that are great to sing along with/dance to at clubs. Plus, my apartment number last year was 3008, so "Boom Boom Pow" was my anthem. Having said that...
• The BEP are not good live. Feel free to blame it on microphone problems, but I don't think a correctly-functioning microphone could have saved us from Fergie's... "singing."
• I want Taboo's light-up suit. I have no idea when I'd wear it, though.
• Oh, who am I kidding? I'd rock that ish at all times.
• I was really confused when "Sweet Child of Mine" started playing.
• Then I was happy when Slash appeared.
• Then I was sad when Fergie started singing.
• When "O.M.G" started, my first thought was "did they seriously hide the fact that Usher was going to be performing with them?" Then he appeared, and I was impressed with the secrecy
• Then Usher DIDN'T SING. They brought in Usher to be a background dancer for a minute and a half!
• The commercial for the movie Rio makes it look an awful lot like "Happy Feet 2: Fiesta en México."
• I missed Cameron Diaz feeding A-Rod. Luckily, the internets know entertainment, and it's already on YouTube! Hopefully this link doesn't get taken down too soon.

That's all I have! Did I miss any good commercials, or other excellent moments in judgement? Feel free to provide your own commentary in the comments section below.

Jingle Jingle!

I don't think any working experience is truly complete without stories of a coworker that just doesn't seem to be "all there." I'm lucky with my current job... My desk is situated next to one of the most absent-minded people I've ever met.

My coworker doesn't make it into the office until 10. At the earliest. His presence is always announced by the jingling of keys when he's about 20 feet away from his office door. That's about how long it takes him to fish out the right key. I'm thinking he played the part of Filch in a previous job.

He seems to be paranoid, too... it's rare for him to keep his door unlocked. Or open. Even when he's in his office. I'm not quite sure what he thinks he has to hide from the rest of our division, but it must be something pretty good.

He is rarely in his office for more than an hour. I have no idea what sends him on his merry way so often... it's probably a mixture of meetings, catching up with scientists in other areas, or looking for more keys to add to his key ring. Oh, and going to the cafeteria to get food. This is one of his favorite daily activties. Both breakfast and lunch come from the cafeteria. Getting the food into his office, though, is still a very challenging task.

Then, there's the printing. The printer in my area is shared by 13 people. 99.99999% of all printing jobs are from this one coworker. And it isn't that everyone else rarely prints... it's mostly that he is printing documents at all times. Our printer runs out of paper daily, and ink weekly. He also has a tendency to print stuff and leave it on the printer for hours before going to pick it up. The skill I'm most impressed with is his ability to print when he's not in the office. I've heard the printer going at 9:30, and then half an hour later, he rolls into the office, grabs the stuff off the printer, and jingle-jingles into his office.



An accurate interpretation of his office thanks to all of his printing.

My favorite part comes at the ends of some work days. The door opens, he saunters out and closes the door behind him, making sure it's locked. After taking five steps away from his door, he remembers that he forgot something in his office. He returns to his office, checks the door again only to find that (surprise!) it's locked. He sighs (something that he does more often than regular breathing), reaches into his pocket, jingle-jingles his keys to find the right one, and re-enters his office to grab whatever is is that he forgot.

The moral of the story? Locking your office door during the day does nothing but cause problems.