The Unofficial (But Mandatory) Rules of Karaoke

Karaoke. 

Half of you just squirmed in your seat, and the other half jumped up in excitement. (And probably a portion of both groups squirmed when they read the word "squirmed," but I digress.)

Karaoke is a fun bar activity. Among other things, it's a chance for people to bring songs back from the dead. And who doesn't like dead songs! Usually, after a few drinks, people's inhibitions have lowered enough to where they don't mind getting up in front of a crowd of strangers to belt out/mumble "Build Me Up, Buttercup." After my past few karaoke encounters, however, I realized that not many people know about the unofficial rules of karaoke. These rules are unofficial in the same way rules about wearing jorts (Jorts Rule 1: don't wear them. Jorts Rule 2: See 1) are unofficial; most people intuitively understand, so the rules don't get explained very often. For the few who were unaware of Karaoke Rules, this post is for you!

I had to bring back this picture. Had to.

Rules for Individuals Doing Bar Karaoke

Rule 1: Thou shalt not sing more than two songs.
In most situations, not everyone at the bar is there for karaoke. To them, you are background noise. They aren't critiquing your riffs (though they will notice if you're tone deaf. So will all of the dogs within a one-mile radius of the bar). I've created a graph to help illustrate the thoughts of those around you as you get up to sing more and more songs.

There aren't talent scouts at your local bar listening to people singing karaoke, and it isn't amateur hour or open mic night. You have no reason to sing more than two songs.

Rule 2: Song Choices Must Be Fun
Do you enjoy singing old school Mariah Carey ballads? That's great! Leave them in the shower. You're at a bar, people are drinking and having a good time, and no one wants to watch you belt out "that song that they sang on Glee a few weeks ago."

This is (definitely probably) not you. If it is you, feel free to come and sing for me any time!

Rule 3: YOU Must Have Fun
Ultimately, if you look like you're having fun while singing, it's going to be enjoyable for everyone. If you grab the microphone as if you're performing at The Grammy's and spend the entire song staring intently at the screen to make sure you get every word, you might as well go and sing to yourself in the mirror. True story.... I once watched a girl sing Bad Romance like this. Her friends, who were clearly more in tune with the unofficial karaoke rules, attempted to jump up with her, dance around her, and help her loosen up while singing. She continued to stare at the screen and choke the microphone. It reminded me of when Kevin sang "You Oughta Know" on The Office.

Rules for Groups Doing Bar Karaoke

Group karaoke is an automatic win. No rules are necessary (other than the "don't sing every song in the DJ's library" one). Some pointers for a successful group performance are:
1. Have at least one person who has had plenty to drink and who believes it's necessary to provide a dance interlude.
2. Shoving the microphone into random people's faces is highly encouraged.

None of the aforementioned rules apply when doing private karaoke. If it's just you and your friends in a small room with a karaoke machine, go to town!