White Men Can't Dance

Yes, I realize that I just incriminated myself as well with that title. I like to consider myself an exception to the rule. And of course, by “I like to consider myself,” I mean “I am.” The pedestal I'm on is lonely, but I make do.

Aaaaanyway, one of my favorite pastimes is people watching. I think deep down, we all really enjoy this, but some of us are more perceptive than others, which really adds to the experience. Bars and clubs are great places for people watching because, well, anything involving the consumption of alcohol means plenty of extraordinary opportunities for commentary. I was recently at a club, and a point that I’ve known for quite some time became incredibly evident:

White men can’t dance.

Note that this is not me saying that men of other races can inherently dance. I’m just saying that the majority of white guys that I saw at this club did not know how to dance in a way that didn’t hurt to watch. I’m pretty sure my muscles were spasming (my word processor is yelling at me for using this as a word, but I like it, so it’s staying) just watching them. I thought it would be a good idea to list a few of the more seriously offensive dance types here so that readers of TJL can know what sort of dance moves will get you judged.

1) Swaying – You are not seaweed. Your feet move. Use them, please.
2) Shoulder action – In combination with other things, moving your shoulders is a good thing. If it looks like you’re trying to shrug off the song, then you’re gonna run into problems.
3) Jumping – Granted, there are songs where jumping around is warranted (like, “Jump Around” by House of Pain), but for the most part, people dancing around you would appreciate not worrying about their safety every time they catch you up in the air out of the corners of their eyes.
4) ANY dancing while not smiling/interacting with anyone – If you are “in the zone,” you will be watched. Period. I once witnessed a guy (on multiple occasions) clear off a portion of the dance floor while dancing by himself. And this wasn’t people moving out of the way to watch because he was really good… it was people getting used as props in whatever music video was going on in the dude’s head and then running away scared. Shit was crazy. The moral of the story here is that if you dance on your own, make sure you either know what you’re doing, or… don’t dance on your own.

I suppose that in lieu of avoiding the aforementioned dance techniques, you could just accept the fact that people will be checking you out regardless of how well you dance since you’re in public. In fact, this works for me, because it gives me more to watch. But I felt it was my civic duty as a new blogger to bring up this subject, and hopefully help steer our generation away from dancing like Elaine and more towards having moves like Usher.