White Men Can't Dance

Yes, I realize that I just incriminated myself as well with that title. I like to consider myself an exception to the rule. And of course, by “I like to consider myself,” I mean “I am.” The pedestal I'm on is lonely, but I make do.

Aaaaanyway, one of my favorite pastimes is people watching. I think deep down, we all really enjoy this, but some of us are more perceptive than others, which really adds to the experience. Bars and clubs are great places for people watching because, well, anything involving the consumption of alcohol means plenty of extraordinary opportunities for commentary. I was recently at a club, and a point that I’ve known for quite some time became incredibly evident:

White men can’t dance.

Note that this is not me saying that men of other races can inherently dance. I’m just saying that the majority of white guys that I saw at this club did not know how to dance in a way that didn’t hurt to watch. I’m pretty sure my muscles were spasming (my word processor is yelling at me for using this as a word, but I like it, so it’s staying) just watching them. I thought it would be a good idea to list a few of the more seriously offensive dance types here so that readers of TJL can know what sort of dance moves will get you judged.

1) Swaying – You are not seaweed. Your feet move. Use them, please.
2) Shoulder action – In combination with other things, moving your shoulders is a good thing. If it looks like you’re trying to shrug off the song, then you’re gonna run into problems.
3) Jumping – Granted, there are songs where jumping around is warranted (like, “Jump Around” by House of Pain), but for the most part, people dancing around you would appreciate not worrying about their safety every time they catch you up in the air out of the corners of their eyes.
4) ANY dancing while not smiling/interacting with anyone – If you are “in the zone,” you will be watched. Period. I once witnessed a guy (on multiple occasions) clear off a portion of the dance floor while dancing by himself. And this wasn’t people moving out of the way to watch because he was really good… it was people getting used as props in whatever music video was going on in the dude’s head and then running away scared. Shit was crazy. The moral of the story here is that if you dance on your own, make sure you either know what you’re doing, or… don’t dance on your own.

I suppose that in lieu of avoiding the aforementioned dance techniques, you could just accept the fact that people will be checking you out regardless of how well you dance since you’re in public. In fact, this works for me, because it gives me more to watch. But I felt it was my civic duty as a new blogger to bring up this subject, and hopefully help steer our generation away from dancing like Elaine and more towards having moves like Usher.

Nickelback. AKA "That Group That Makes My Ears Bleed"

I am pretty lenient about the music I listen to (in the presence of others, at least. When I'm by myself, I don't "listen to music" as much as I "skip through songs until I find one I like"). I can tolerate bad songs if I like the artist (half of Mariah Carey's new stuff), and I can tolerate bad artists if I like the song (anything by Miley Cyrus. Or Ke$ha. Damn her for having catchy songs!). But if a song or artist violates both aspects, then the only thing I can do is make sure I never have to listen to them again. Such is the case with Nickelback.

Where to begin with this group? I guess we'll start with the artist. The lead singer of the group has a raspy voice that sounds like it had been through years of smoking and other similarly awful traumas before being used for singing. That's a definite strike one. There's that old saying “Those that can't do, teach,” which would lead me to suggesting that he becomes a music teacher. Well, even music teachers can sing well, so I don't really know what to tell him.

And then there are the songs... or as I like to call them, lyrical procrastination at its worst. Have you ever looked closely at the lyrics to a Nickelback song? Here's the first verse to “Photograph”:

Look at this photograph

Every time I do it makes me laugh

How did our eyes get so red?

And what the hell is that on Joey's head?

I don't know whether to laugh at the fact that the first graders I used to tutor could write better lyrics than this, or cry at the fact that crap like this is considered good in the pop world.

Going back to a previous example of a song I tolerate, Party in the U.S.A is only a good song at a club, when everyone is wasted and sings along like they're all teenage girls dancing in front of their mirrors singing into a hairbrush (given my gender and current status as a member of the work force and not a teenager, my assumption that teenage girls do this is most likely incorrect... but it got the visual in your head, didn't it?). But a song by Nickelback is painful to listen to when you're sober and in the car, when you're at work listening to music online, or even when you're wasted and at a club. In fact, if I ever heard Nickelback playing in a club, I would probably start a boycott right then and there until the DJ issued a formal apology for having bad taste.

The only other song/artist that comes to mind that I have this strongly a reaction to? "LOL Smiley Face" by Trey Songz. I have nothing against him, I just hold a strong moral standpoint against using emoticons as lyrics.

Observation: I just started a blog.

Well hello there! I'm Brian. This is my blog. This is a sentence. Phew, good, we got the introductory statements out of the way.

I decided to start this blog because 1) I'm funny, 2) Writing is fun, but keeping a diary puts me to sleep, and 3) I don't want to deprive the general public of my wittiness any longer.

Okay, the third one was just a filler. Yes, I'm witty, but I don't really care if the world knows. I just think lists are only worth it if you have three or four points.

Anyway, here at The Judging Life, my aim is to provide sarcastic, mostly true, and fairly logical social commentary. I'll refrain from posting updates about my favorite TV shows or what I had for lunch today (after all, that's what Twitter's for, isn't it?). I MAY even get guest bloggers to give their own commentary, provided it lives up to my impossibly high standards of humor.* But rest assured... everything posted on here will be judgmental in one way or another (including some jabs at myself, I'm sure) without calling anyone out (except myself, since it's difficult to take a jab at yourself without doing so, and I know that I'll forgive myself eventually).

Eventually I'll fill out the thing in the sidebar that describes my blog, making this whole post obsolete and turning the two hours 30 minutes 45 seconds it took for me to write it into a waste of time. Don't worry... when that time comes, I'll be sure to judge myself accordingly.

*In the interest of full disclosure, my standards aren't that high... I still chuckle at bad puns.