Second Grader See, Second Grader Do

Cartoons were a big part of my childhood, just like they probably were for most of you who read my blog. Saturday mornings weren't for sleeping in... they were for sneaking out into the living room, turning on the TV at a low volume, and staring at Looney Toons, or Power Rangers, or the myriad other shows that had weekend morning airtime.

Yes, my attempt at drawing Bugs Bunny looks like a grey Teletubby. Moving on.

I moved to Vermont the summer before second grade, and for second grade I was put in the local public school. The private school I had attended in New York had a dress code, so I enjoyed the new-found freedom to wear what I wanted, and to not have to wear a tie. At one point, I even bought a pair of red Converse All-Star high-top sneakers.

The issue with this, of course, was that I was in second grade, and kids are mean. I had this one bully who insisted on calling me Clown Feet at recess every day. It never seriously phased me, considering he was the only one who called me that... I just found it annoying. I mean, red shoes are awesome, and my feet weren't that big, so what's the point of worrying about it?

Finally, one day at recess, this kid was incredibly persistent in trying to get me to chase after him or something. He wouldn't leave me alone and he kept yelling at me.

So, I took inspiration in the cartoons I so religiously watched. What was it that Bugs Bunny always did to Elmer Fudd to get him to leave him alone? Oh, right...

I waited until my bully got close.

... Then...

Now, I was somewhat sheltered as a child. Not "is he brainwashed?" sheltered, but sheltered enough to not understand how my plan of action was wrong or would be misconstrued as anything other than me trying to rid myself of another kid's ridicule. My bully, confused, went and told the teacher on recess duty, who asked me if I had kissed the other boy. I shrugged. She asked why I did it. I shrugged. And that was it.



Most importantly, that kid never teased me again.

When Facebook Friends Attack

I'll be the first to admit that I have too many Facebook friends. In my defense, I have met 99.9% of them in person at least once. That isn't the issue of this post, though. The issue is that I can't get myself to unfriend people.

I graduated from college almost two years ago (dammit, I'm getting old!), and I'm still friends with people from my freshman dorm, some of whom I haven't talked to since we lived near each other five years ago. I'm also friends with the friends of my siblings, a couple kids I used to babysit, and friends of friends. My standard policy is that if I've met you, I'll accept your friend request. And, like the glitter around Ke$ha's eyes, once you're there (in my list of facebook friends), it's difficult for me to take you off (... of my list of facebook friends). Here is a visual description:

Well... it's difficult, with the exception of the following list!

TJL's List of

No-Brainer Unfriending Situations

1. Ignorance.

I once had a friend who posted a status about a segment Oprah did on "Brothers on the down-low", basically accusing any and every man in the closet of getting infected with every STI imaginable and then "infecting his women."

I considered trying to correct him, but he's sort of cray cray on a Kanye level, so I decided the "unfriend" option was better.

2. Incessant Pessimism

I get it... we all have bad days. For whatever reason, some people like to harp on this more than others... to the point where every status is about how terrible the world is to them. If you look at your own profile page and it starts reading off like the lyrics to a really bad emo song, you're doing something wrong. You might also be that blob from the Zoloft commercials.

3. Facebook =/= Twitter

As soon as I got a Twitter account, I found that my status updates on Facebook dwindled. If I have something clever to say or announce that people might want to comment on, I'll post it to facebook. If I'm just being witty in general (read: always), or watching a sporting event and commenting in real time, then Twitter's the way to go. Still, there are way too many people who insist (insist!) on providing blow-by-blows of their days, or announcing that it's time for them to go to bed. These are usually the same people who think Twitter is stupid. I give them the side eye:

4. Bad Taste

I once had a friend who posted links to at least three songs each day, depending on his mood. I was fine with this at first, but after the third Miley Cyrus video was posted to express his inner angst at finding love, I made like Bon Qui Qui and decided "this dude needs ta go. Needs ta go."

As with any other list I make, there are always exceptions. For example, I could never find it in my heart to unfriend a family member, no matter how far removed from them I am.

... And that, my friends, is what the "Hide" button is for.

Why So Serious?

Today is sort of a difficult day for me. It’s the birthday of a fraternity brother of mine who passed away last October. Drew left a lasting impression on far too many people for me to even attempt to list. In his memory, I would like to write an entry using the same title he used for his editorial column in our college newspaper.

Alright, enough of the sappy… on to the funny!

Why so serious?

I’ve always maintained that the ability to laugh at yourself is one of the most important parts of enjoying life. How many of us wish we could go back to being kids, selling lemonade or bracelets we made with colored thread by day, playing hide and seek (or, kick the can! Anyone else? Anyone?) by night, and pretty much enjoying life to the fullest? What’s the difference between then and now?

Stop.

First off, all complaining by itself annoys me. Even when warranted, all that complaining does is display that you're not happy with your current situation. I can get bored real fast if all I'm hearing is "my life sucks" and "why am I always the one who has to go through stuff like this?" In the immortal words of Elvis, a little less conversation, a little more action.

Extreme? Yes. Effective? You betcha.

The main point here is that you're only as boring as you let yourself get. Unfortunately, most of us don't live in those nice little neighborhoods anymore, where Sally would go door-to-door every Saturday morning to recruit kids for a game of street kickball. We're adults now... we have to do shit for ourselves! Here's an example in musical form! (Thank you Broadway for musicals like Avenue Q!) Go make friends with your coworkers/neighbors! Sign up for an adult sports league! Post up at a bar and stare at every attractive individual that walks in!

... hmm, on second thought, don't do that last one, unless you're over 50 and single and out by yourself. People will probably think you're creepy anyway.

Do you know what the sign of a good day is? Being able to think back at the end of the day and listing off at least one thing that made you smile. So, get off the internets, call up a friend, and make your smile-worthy memory for the day! TJL will judge you if you don't.*

*- TJL will probably be judging you anyway, but you can reduce the number of "bad judging" moments by following my advice.

Translation: *Yawn*

Dating is tough, especially in the beginning stages. It'd be so much easier if you could weed out the crazies from the true contenders during the first date. Here at The Judging Life, we (... okay, I. Like I'd trust a staff to take care of my judging for me!) would like to help out with this endeavor!

Selling yourself to a potential significant other is a lot like trying to sell a house. No, that wasn't a crack at the size of your balcony or the (lack of) quality in your plumbing. What I mean is that there are nice ways of describing yourself so that you come off sounding a lot more appealing than being blunt. Here's a real estate example:

A house is described as being "cozy." Here's what comes to mind:

Here's what "cozy" is most likely being used to describe:

Poor Alice. She's not getting her deposit back!

Anyway, here are some handy tranlsations for statements you might hear when you first meet someone. Enjoy!